Just why……

Why did you act so sweet and innocent? Why did you keep leading me on saying you loved me and that we would be together forever? Why did you breakup with me all those times to just come back and do it over again? And why is it that every time you found someone new you’d physically hurt me? You always used to say you wouldn’t harm me. That you wouldn’t lay a finger on me, but you did. You beat me so many times I have nightmares about it. I literally look behind me now because I’m terrified of you being behind me. You gave me so many bruises and even damaged my rib cage yet I still stayed. Why did I stay? Why didn’t I just leave when I had the chance? Oh right, you told me it was your D.I.Ds fault and that you would never do that to me. You kept saying that even when I was backed up against the wall with your arm pressed to my neck as I gasp for air. You led me to believe you actually loved me. That you actually cared for me. You gained my trust and then you shattered me leaving me wounded. Because of you I’m afraid to trust anyone. I cared about you and yet you didn’t care about me. Now for anyone who reads this may think I’m angry and hate him but it’s quite opposite. Even tho he talks shit about me and spreads rumours about me I forgive him. Yes, I forgive my abuser. I hope he fiends piece one day. And I hope he realises there’s much more to life then hating people and holding grudges. I honestly hope he wins whatever war he’s fighting against. And I hope he finds happiness.

skintilla

The first time I fell in love it was not pretty

I was a canvas for a broken boy with paintbrush hands that left hues of purple and blue along my skin like a treasure map, begging and pleading for someone to find his secret and save him from himself.

The first time I fell in love I smashed all the mirrors

and sat on the floor and bled out until my hollow veins ached with the want to feel your touch and my head screamed out “idiot, idiot” but when I closed my eyes I couldn’t tell the difference between fists and lips and I wondered when I stopped being able to tell them apart.

The first time I fell in love it destroyed me

He threw words at me like daggers, hoping one would hit and nick a vein and I would bleed out at his feet. He fed me a diet of glass shards and harsh words, etching them into my skin like morse code. He took my voice, ripped it out and stuffed my lungs with cotton and gasoline; one small step and it’d ignite, burning me to ash.

The first time I fell in love, it was the last.

The first time I fell in love 

(m.o.b)